Friday, July 2, 2010

Bella Swan is an idiot.

Paul and Ansley have been out of town the past week, leaving me well rested but missing them extremely.

So, I made me some plans, but I wasn't looking forward to any as much as I was looking forward to seeing "Eclipse." I feel I should explain.

I do NOT consider myself a "twihard." I've never once claimed a team, and my child is not named Bella. Or Esme. Or Renesme. Nope.

When the first movie opened, my youngest sister asked me if I wanted to have a girls' night and see a movie. Always up for a good flick, I agreed and quickly tried to back out once I discovered she had picked "Twilight."

I've never been into the whole vampire scene. I watched "Buffy" growing up, but, mainly because I enjoyed David Boreanez. He was pretty.

Back to Twilight. My sister insisted that I tag along, and promised that the movie was not a typical "vampire" story.

So, we wait in line for nearly an hour just to get into the theater. We find some seats, and the movie begins.

Now, having not read the books, I had no idea what was going on. I didn't know the Cullens were "vegetarians." I didn't know they sparkled. I didn't know each person has a distinct scent that can drive a vampire crazy. So, when Bella stepped in front of the fan, sending Edward starts wriggling in his seat, I lean over and ask my sis "Hey, what's the deal here? He isn't acting like that around the other humans."

She told me he could smell her blood. Hmm. For some reason, I assumed she must have been bleeding for him to smell her blood. I leaned in and asked my sister, "Is she on her period?"

After she managed to stop laughing, she explained it to me.

The movie was enjoyable, though cheesy, so I decided that I would read the books.

Four books. One month. Pretty impressive.

So, with Paul and Ansley out of town this week, I planned a trip to the theater to catch the latest installment with my sisters, mom, a bestie and one of my sister's friends. And, here's what I learned, not just from "Eclipse," but the whole series.

1. Bella Swan is a complete idiot.
Some examples: Typically, I like to think that age isn't an issue. Sometimes, however, it does come into play. Dating someone 8 years older than you while in middle school? Big Deal. Dating someone 8 years older than you in college, or after college? Not so much. Girl being older by 2 years? No biggie. Guy being older by 90 years? HUGE DEAL. Come on Bella. That's beyond cool. We call that "illegal" where I come from.
Why would you get on a motorcycle after dark with some scuzzy guy you don't know? Even if it made you feel like you departed love was with you. Couldn't you just relive the memories? Stupid move, Swan. Stupid move.
Picking an ice cold, sparkly dead guy over a tanned, beautiful smile, warm, toned previous Shark Boy? Did that really happen?

There are a number of other events that leave me scratching my head throughout the books and movies. I often refer to the series as "girl porn" with my girls in class. Not only is it entirely driven by hormones (there were more hormones in that theater than a Tyson chicken plant), but it leaves girls with a complete misconception of what a guy should be like.

Should a guy be a gentleman and protect his girl? Yes. But does that mean he should climb into her room at night and watch her sleep? H-to-the-No.

The Twilight Saga captures teen angst perfectly. Every girl longs for an Edward, just like in years past they've longed for Romeo. The thing to remember is Edward is not real. And neither is Jacob. And to expect real men (or, teen guys) to act like such is a false reality.

There's nothing wrong with getting swept up in a good story, and nothing captures female's attention more than a story of a star-crossed romance succeeding. But, we have to remember, that in reality, guys don't sparkle. In reality, guys that sneak into our rooms to watch us sleep are creepy. In reality, 17 year olds don't date guys over the age of 100. In reality, guys don't look like Jacob Black.

Except Taylor Lautner. He kinda looks like him.

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