Back at It

I have had a wonderful break from work. A glorious week, paid, that didn't require the use of any hard earned vacation or sick days. 

I really started to enjoy the stay-at-home-mom role. We fell into a routine, which often involved sleeping until 9am and taking a 2-3 hour afternoon nap. Yes, both of us.

I was able to keep the house clean, cook a few meals, play with a doll house, and stay in my pjs until about 11.  It was awesome.

I know there must be more to this than what I have experienced.  There is the great and lasting debate about which is more difficult: working mom or staying at home mom. So, what am I missing?

Sure, we've had our rough patches. Naps weren't always the easiest, and sometimes I just wanted to skip the laundry and clothes folding for something a little more, fun. Like a Grey's Anatomy marathon.

Perhaps the difference is that this was just a week. It was a week were I was home, but we still had 2 incomes. I suppose true SAHMs do things like pay the bills and balance the checkbooks and clip coupons and stuff. And have play dates in the park, and power walk. And make their children geniuses. All things I seem to have no interest in.

Well, except the child genius part. We're getting there. She almost knows her right and left. Sometimes. By accident.

Ok, so maybe I'm not cut out for this...

All I Long For...

... is time to catch up. On:
Life.
Blogging.
Laundry.
Housework.
Refinancing paper work.
Ansley's baby book.
House.
Grey's Anatomy.
The Office.
Office work.
Updating photos around the house.

And maybe time to get ahead. On:
Housework.
Blogging.
Bills.
Grocery shopping.
Potty training.
Project Binkie Gone

And, maybe just a little time for myself. For:
A warm bath.
A good book.
Shoe shopping.
Nails.
Hair.

But I'm not sure I'm willing to sacrifice:
Walks in the evenings with Ansley
Blowing bubbles.
Playing fetch with Rascal.
Quick chicken nugget dinners.
Sidewalk Chalk.
Wednesday Sister Dates for American Idol.
Hitting snooze 3 times each morning.

Seal knew what he was talking about. Time keeps on slippin' into the future.

I MISS BLOGGING!

It is such a great way for me to unwind, but I don't even feel like I have time to do that anymore.

I fly solo in the evenings and can't seem to make any time for myself. I know there are other moms out there there that also don't get the joy of working the same shift as their hubs. And they seem to be able to find time to write, to read books, to shop online, to clean house and actually make a dinner.

How did my evening go? Minute by minute breakdown:

5:05- Leave the office and head to pick the kiddo up
5:20- Kiddo in the car, heading home
5:30- Squeeze in a walk before the rain hits
6:00- Return from walk, turn the oven on preheat for our frozen pizza we shared for dinner. Go outside to play.
6:10- Mommy runs inside to put the pizza in the oven.
6:11- Back outside. Ansley is helping me weed the flower beds. Really, I'm weeding and Ansley is taking the pulled weeds to the "pile," which happens to be in the other flower bed.
6:30- Mommy gathers up Ansley and both head inside. Take pizza off pizza pan, let cook for last 5 minutes on rack.
6:32- Change Ansley's diaper
6:36- Take pizza out of oven. Cut and let cool. Fix Ansley a drink. Cut her pizza into bite size pieces. Look at the window for the storm. Still not there.
6:40- Ansley and Mommy sit and enjoy pizza.
6:55- Prepare for bath (Ansley sitting on new potty chair while Mommy repeated says "C'mon Ansley! Go pee-pee!) Unsuccessful
7:10- Ansley in the tub. Mommy wets, lathers, rinses. Ansley plays.
7:25- Still playing
7:40 Ansley out. Jammies, brushed hair, milk cup, blocks
8:15- Talk with Dada on phone
8:20- Calm down time in Ansley's room. Rocking, swaying, GT and the Halo Express playing. Mommy singing.
8:25- Ansley in bed. Mommy finally takes a potty break. Return to living room to start clean-up
8:35- Rufus starts barking, Ansley wakes up. Crying. Mommy goes out to bring Rufus in.
8:37- Mommy arrives. Ansley clicks wanting a drink. Kid has already had three sippy cups since dinner. Mommy rocks a little more
8:38- Ansley back down. Mommy back to cleaning
8:41- Bunker barks at Rufus. Rufus barks back. Ansley cries. Mommy returns.
8:42- More rocking. More singing.
8:47- Ansley back down. Mommy back to cleaning. All blocks put away.
8:57- Ansley cries. AGAIN. Mommy arrives. Kid starts clicking. Mommy gets cup of water. Rocking.
9:05- Mommy puts Ansley back down. Starts raining. Mommy closes all the windows, turns the AC on, remembers she needs laundry for tomorrow, but doesn't want to wake the kiddo up, so decides to just wear business clothes tomorrow.
9:10- Yup. Ansley cries.
9:13- Ansley back down.
9:15- Mommy starts to order Proactiv. Doesn't like that they will automatically charge my card. Decides to return to Proactiv vending machine this weekend.
9:22- Checks facebook.
9:23- Decides to write blog post
9:24- Internet crashes. Total reboot

And now? It's 9:33 and I haven't written anything of substance. The kiddo is finally asleep. The living room is partially clean, and all I want to do is go to bed. And, this breakdown? Very similar every night of the week. Normally Ansley does go down a little easier, though that is becoming less of common event.

I know that stay at home moms work. They are on the clock every minute of the day. Working moms may put in 8 hours outside of the home, but they aren't off at 5 p.m. when they get home. Because then, they are responsible to the big boss. And with the hubs gone at night, I get a taste of what single moms go through. It isn't easy. Parenting in general isn't easy.

And with all the things that I can't seem to get done, I feel like a failure on so many levels. My house is rarely clean, even though the hubs does an excellent job of helping out while he is home and I'm at work. But I feel that because I can't juggle being a mom AND being my own person, maybe I wasn't ready for a kiddo. Maybe that urge I have just to draw a warm bath and grab a book means that I should have postponed Mommyhood a little.

But, ultimately, even at the end of the day, when I'm exhausted and my teeth are fuzzy because I haven't had a chance to brush them and I'm trying to figure out if I can get away with not ironing my dress pants tomorrow and I'm struggling to hold my eyes open even at 9:41 (which, in college, was when the fun was just starting), I know that just a few steps down the hall is a kiddo who thinks I'm something special, even if my pants are wrinkled. And just a few miles away is a man that will be home in a few hours, find me asleep on the couch, and love me despite the mega blocks and plastic food that is littering the floor.

And, that does make me my own person. Because those two people love me for who I am, not how many books I read or how many witty facebook statuses I come up with. But because I love them both so much, I pour myself out day in and day out.

Besides, who needs to read Water for Elephants when there's Dr. Seuss anyway?

Back to Work

Seven business days. 11 total. 11 days where we were able to make a new schedule. Where I was there for both naps, and most afternoon naps included one of my own. Meals with the hubs. Extra time with family. A joyous visit with my sister. Family photos. Good food. Bones. New toys. Christmas.

It was a wonderful time at home. Most times, I feel that after such a long break, I'm ready to get back. To get back to the office. To conversations that are about more than which shape matches this. To get back to heels and dress pants, makeup and fixed hair. But this time, things are different.

I've never felt such a pull to stay at home. Even though I love my job, the extra time with the hubs and the kiddo has been spectacular. Fabulous, really. But we've made choices, and right now, those has put us here.

Four years at a private college? School loans. A hubs that is finishing his degree, 2 cars, cell phones, a mortgage and a partridge in a pair tree. Could we make cuts for me to stay home? Yes. But right now, it would mean downsizing. Selling the house. Renting. We've already cut out a lot of things. No satellite or cable. No home phone. No internet. Single ply toilet paper and generic cereal. Actually, I'm a total TP and name brand cereal snob. But, if it meant I could stay home...

Maybe I'd give up the cereal. But my tushy likes the cooshy.

So, tomorrow I go back to work. I'm hoping for a smooth transition for all involved.

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